Classmate Response, Week 1, Entry 1

Response to Melissa's entry: Mawnkey.

Clever entry with a great beginning. Really amusing description of Francesco's actions, the sort of rolling motion that moves in his limbs and the bouncing dialogue create a very amusing opening for this piece. Where I begin to hit the fence is some of the description. I'd rather not suggest that less is more, but perhaps consider which details serve you best. For instance I almost felt the description of Andréa and his brother were unnecessary. I liked the detail of them working in their parents' wine shop, but these things do not come into detail later. It's hard as writers trying to balance enough detail with too much. Looking back on my own writing, I feel like whenever I slipped into character description, though often interesting it came off as amateurish. I feel like there are other ways to suggest character description without using a list. For next time, try weasling in those details bit by bit as the story goes.

I also suggest for future drafts, considering where this draft is headed. Perhaps consider ideas to focus on. We do a lot of bouncing between characters--mostly the three Italian boys. It seems like an interesting experience is happening here--you're in Italy, I know that's like "duh" on the interesting meter--but it's hard to focus on one thing to capture me as a reader when there is so much happening. One of the things I honed in on initially was the soccer scene. Especially the part about how girls don't play soccer. Really said something to me about cultural views on woman--of course, that could have stemmed from some of the debate we had earlier about the expected position of Japanese women once they marry. That aside, maybe this could be your next focus? I feel like you have a good first start. The next attempt should hone in on an idea and I feel like you can shave down on some of the unnecessary bouncing between topics.

Also, just a side note but your response to Andréa in this is just so aloof and amusing I did snicker a few times. Funny stuff.