Technically started out as a calisthenic but I wanted to keep going with this... except... I'm feeling very uninspired right now. This is literally a push myself writing.
I tell my sister all the time she should shut up. If my sister were a car radio, she'd be the one with the broken mute button, blaring noise that vibrates the subwoofers of some obnoxious Escalade in an elementary school parking lot, and no matter how much you hit the radio, it won't shut up. I was slouching in the computer chair, back straining, studying stripes and spandex on some plus-sized site, when my sister plopped down on the bed next to me. She was talking to my mother on the phone, laughing in her usual volume, cross-legged with waving jaws. I could briefly hear my mom's voice drift from the phone, solely voice, no words, but it was soon lost behind my the cackle of my Ana's laughter.
I do not think that cackling is an exaggeration. If you look up the definition of cackle, it is defined as a shrill cry a hen makes after laying eggs. My sister's laugh ranges anywhere from a "hee-hee" that reminds me of rusty swings to a throaty warble, sometimes coupled with the rare but necessary snort. This was a "hee-hee-hee" occasion.
"I think you two would really get along," Ana told my mom, her teeth splitting her face, "you guys are just alike."
I'm staring intently at this $120 dollar dress I know I'll never need and really shouldn't bother buying, but I'm also convincing myself of the pros of this dress. If I ever got invited to a party, I'll be prepared. I could wear it to Kroger--at least I could say I wore it once, and show them all I can get done up outside the uniform. Or maybe I can use it as an excuse to actually go out somewhere, though people like me usually make it to the top of the stairs before sighing and crawling back onto the couch, slipping under my blankets, eating Ben and Jerry's. As I am trying to reason out the sweetheart neckline my sister keeps talking to my mother about her friend. More specifically, her best friend's mother, who Ana has taken on like another mother.
"You're both corny." Ana tells her.
My finger slips on the keyboard.
Similar to what I said to Ashley this week: why do we want to read YOUR sibling rivalry, specifically? Everyone has sibling rivalry--my sister, at about 2 1/2, picked up a kitchen stool with Hulk-like strength and hit me over the back with it (a la WWE)while I was trying to list my infant brother out of his swing, all while screaming "you are an ANIMAL! You belong in the GARBAGE!" because she was angry at me--so what is specifically unique about yours?
ReplyDeleteI think you start to touch on it. It's the volume, right? It's not how much she talks, but the sounds she makes at the decibel she does.
You've got a good starting point here: "I do not think that cackling is an exaggeration. If you look up the definition of cackle, it is defined as a shrill cry a hen makes after laying eggs. My sister's laugh ranges anywhere from a "hee-hee" that reminds me of rusty swings to a throaty warble, sometimes coupled with the rare but necessary snort. This was a "hee-hee-hee" occasion."
I really love where this paragraph tries to go and I think you should enhance it even more. First of all, the definition part is perfect. Set it off more. "Definition of cackle in the dictionary: the shrill cry a hen makes after laying an egg." Cut out the unnecessary, weighted "if you look up cackle in the dictionary" bit. What other sounds are there around your house? What other annoying sounds (not the expected ones, i.e. an alarm clock, the smoke detector, etc.) can you liken her to?
I'm not saying the diversion into the dress is unnecessary--it could work, later--but for now focus on fleshing out the sister part and, more particularly, the sound of sisterly sibling rivalry.
Part of what's so exciting and promising here is that triangulation: Diamond, her sister, and the mother--who's only hinted at here. This is the material you need to start writing about, Diamond. The scene is rich: you're looking at this dress online, your sister is "cackling," and in the background is this sense that you're getting to know your mother again.
ReplyDeleteYou're just not tackling the issue, here: your mother. Let's see you continue this by giving us some history about you all.