The first thing that struck me was the smell—the stinging stench of cigarettes. I wonder, what made them, the last people to live here, decide it was ok to stand in the living room and puff just one last drawl of their cigarette; what were they going through to make them heave out that heady cloud of smoke and paint the room with smell. My throat ached and I climbed through the darkness to make out anything, any saving grace among the typical apartment amenities. What I got was peeling wooden floor tiles, bent window screens, broken patio blinds and cracked glossy mirrors. I imagine the last tenants grasping another puff between their teeth in the bathroom for the seven years bad luck they were about to get for that last one.
Still there was something fundamentally defining in this tiny apartment—some metaphoric space redefining my character and my circumstantial outlook. It was at the threshold that I ceased to be Diamond and in the smoky haze received the looping laurels of responsibility, crowned into some greater being beyond knowing, beyond true understanding. It was like that abstract concept of adulthood became literal, concrete. It slammed shut behind me like the apartment door, with urgency and gravity. And in that moment I was lifted in the smoke. In that choking cliché, that eye-watering blaze of sensual assault and there, hidden like nugget in the floor cracks, was the sweet stench of victory—a scent so subtle you had to breathe it in again just in case. I coughed, stepping back into the living room and peeking out the patio, watching some hornet lull in the glaze of sunshine. With him went a silent prayer that this scent of victory didn’t start my allergies into a tizzy. Of course, it always does. And it did.
Diamond, I think you should further expand this piece. The idea of displacement within this piece plays well- new apartment, the smoke resembling the previous tenants. I think you could add another element to fulfill the "power of three" rule. What is another ball you could juggle along with this? The living in an apartment with someone who isn't your mom or dad? (Not sure if I am correct in this fact.) Definitely flesh this theme out more and expand! You’ve already got an interesting start of reflection in here. Now show us how you came to this displacement. Why are you moving? What does this mean to you in this particular moment in your life? Is this move significant? Why or why not? Do you choose to stay here? If so, why did you stay despite your allergies acting up? Is this all you could get at the time? I really would like to see you incorporate more and give us some background history.
ReplyDeleteI like your attention to detail and the ability to highlight uncanny portrayals-such as the hornet outside. It demonstrates your ability to focus in on images that otherwise become unnoticed and allow them a “reasoned” home within your piece. (You don’t just throw it in there for giggles nor is it out of place. It is well-incorporated into your piece.)